The Debil...
In Slavic languages, it means stupid and moronic. It's also a slang term to call someone an asshole.
In general, however, it's used much in the same way as Mamma used it in the Adam Sandler movie The Water Boy - "Fooseball is the debil!" ... It's synonymous with "The Devil", meaning something bad.
So what is it, perhaps, that I am referring to as "The Debil"? The answer is something I'm sure most of you use.
FACEBOOK!!!
Yes, Facebook (or FB, for short). The wonderful, lovely, social network chock full of drama and moronic insanity is most certainly the debil!
Oh, don't get me wrong. It can be great when the only people on your friends list are people you actually know, and who have general common sense, and follow boundaries. The problems arise when there are people who have no common sense, or have a sense of entitlement, or cannot follow simple requests.
For example, you (at age 21) go out with friends to a bar. You post to your wall via cell phone "OMG! I'm so WASTED! Having a blast with some great friends!"
The result? Your mom, or your neighbor, or an Uncle, or some other "concerned" person who is twice your age comments about your irresponsibility... Like my cousin's father. She's a bit of a twit in her own right. Why on Earth would you post photo after photo of yourself drunk off your ass playing beer pong in your dorm room?! But that's beside the point. She posted. Her dad? Well, he can just never help himself commenting about how "that doesn't look like studying". I see his point, but seriously? Reprimanding someone via FB?
Another example, one of my own:
My ILs have no common sense when it comes to internet safety. They also have no sense of boundaries. When you clue them in on said boundaries, they throw hissy fits and try to fight it in as many little ways as possible.
Problems I have with the ILs, FB, and photos of my children:
1 - Their security settings suck. When mentioned, they refuse to change them. My kids are not for the world to see, so the ILs don't get any pics of my kids on their pages.
2 - The few ILs who do have privacy settings in place are still idiots. Why? Because they still "friend" everyone under the sun because they want Farmville friends, or "OMG! That person was awesome at the bar last night!". So, even with privacy settings, the world can still see everything. Again, reason for them to not get pics of my kids.
3 - They have no problem posting photos of my kids to other peoples' walls! I don't know these people, and I don't give a shit if they're faaaammmmiillllllyyyy. I don't know them, they don't get a picture. I also don't know their friends, so these people have no business seeing my kids. If my DH wants his Tia to see a pic of the kids, he can email one to her, with the understanding that she is NOT to post the pic to FB. If he doesn't send the pic, then she doesn't get one... My kids are not for extended family to share with everyone.
4 - My ILs play favorites. DD is from a previous relationship, and thus not biologically my DH's, though she calls him "daddy". DS, on the other hand, is DH's. My ILs go ape-shit over this. DS is also the only male grandchild with the "family name". So, of course, pictures of DS used to dominate everyone's photo albums... along with pics od YDNi, who is biologically related to the ILs... They each had their own albums of nothing but them! DD? Well, she got nothing.
The favoritism was actually the first straw. I found out the other crap later.
I did deal with the problems. The ILs were told to remove ALL pictures of my children. We were willing to let FIL keep his pics under the conditions that the favoritism ended and he let us help him set up appropriate privacy for the pics of our kids. Instead, he threw a tantrum that could rival a 3yo! So, he had to remove them all as well.
The ILs, well, they didn't remove the pics. So, I reported them all to FB! Oh yes. They were ALL removed! Pissed everyone off (especially FIL), but they can't do anything about it! MY kids, MY rules! Even FB knows this!
The ILs, for many reasons, were all shoved into a group that was blocked from seeing everything on my page. This allows me to prevent their ability to see my shit, while also monitoring them for picture postages of my children. And yes, I have had to repeat reports to FB over photos.
I promised, in the title, I'd offer ways to handle "The Debil". Here are some basics that will generally cut back on the drama:
1 - Never FB with family.
2 - Never FB with the ILs!
3 - Don't post pics of your kids. If you do, block access to them so only trust-worthy people can see them.
4 - If you do FB with family or ILs, never post anything you wouldn't tell them otherwise.
5 - If you do FB with family or ILs, either limit their access to photos or never post pictures you wouldn't want them to have.
6 - Should anyone (family, IL, or friend) start drama on FB... their page or yours... DO NOT ENGAGE! Walk away. Consider deleting them, and maybe blocking them. Or perhaps make a group like I did to throw them into that prevents them from seeing anything besides your basic info.
7 - Should you decide to engage the drama... consider sarcasm! Remember, tone is lost in type so you will have to be blatantly sarcastic!
8 - Should you decide to engage the drama... do not enter into an argument. If you are being insulted directly, or someone is sharing your business with the world, simply state "I do not appreciate this. Please remove it". If not removed, refer to number 6 in this list.
Examples:
#7 - I once had a status that had a few expletives in it. It was a bad day. My father responded to it saying something about hoping I don't use that kind of language around my children. I took the sarcastic route and mentioned my great-grandmother, who's mouth could have made a sailor blush - "Of course I do! My goal is to have children who could make even Babcia blush! That'd be so awesome!!!" ... Dad said "ok then, carry on" and left it alone.
#8 - Someone posts the gender, name, weight, length, and a picture of your newborn before you ever had a chance to... Like, minutes after you gave birth someone else shared YOUR news - "This is not your news to share. I would appreciate it if you removed this info and picture until I have had a chance to share the arrival of MY child with everyone." ... Although, in this case, I'd not only post that but I'd report the photo before they had a chance to remove it. But I'm a bitch like that!
As for numbers 1 and 2, of course there are exceptions. Plenty of family and ILs are respectful, have common sense, and are not boundary stompers! So long as they respect your wishes, then go ahead and FB with them!
However, if they are crazy and you FB with them anyway... well... you brought it on yourself!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Example of Doormattery
This is one of my own. It's a current doormat issue. It could be worse, however in an attempt to appease my husband we are enabling my MIL and potentially setting ourselves up for a lot of drama.
Our children both have birthdays this month. On the 16th we are having a get-together for our son, who is turning 1. It was supposed to be just our parents, siblings, and a few friends we see on a regular basis. Nothing big, right? Just a relatively small backyard bbq with grandparents and some friends.
Some history of my MIL's behavior:
If her brothers (or anyone else) are coming to visit, they call her and say "we're coming on this date, make it happen" or "we're half an hour away, see you soon". My MIL's response? Well, she is quite easily one of the biggest doormats I know. She will cancel her plans and accomodate these people instead. If they are other peoples' plans, she either invites her brothers along and then tells the person (like my wedding), or she calls the person saying "I can't make it if they can't come" (like a dinner DH and I planned a few months ago for just our parents). If you tell her the uninvited guests cannot come, she cancels on you.
The wedding - Her best friend invited her children and their SOs, then told MIL these extra people were coming too. MIL, in turn, told my parents (who were paying for it)... My parents were pissed, and called me. I was pissed, and flat out told my then fiance he either told his mother to revoke those invites or he had to cut some of his friends from his half of the guest list to make room... He cut the friends. Why? Because his mom's BFF wouldn't come if her kids couldn't. Seriously? WTF?! My DH has since been reformed.
The dinner - We had a nice dinner planned for just our parents one saturday. We made these plans a good month or so in advance. MIL made plans to attend. One of MIL's brothers call her on his way down from NJ friday of that weekend. They're half an hour away. MIL calls us... If my UIL, his wife, and his DSS cannot come then MIL will not be attending. We told her no. She cancelled on us, and then my SIL calls us complaining because "they're family" and it wasn't right we wouldn't change the plans to accomodate.
Here is our current situation:
We made the plans for our childrens' birthdays a few weeks ago, giving everyone a month's notice before DS's birthday as it's the first event. MIL said she's coming. Her 2 brothers in NJ recently called her saying they're comig that weekend. The conversation, from what my DH told me, went something like this...
UIL - "We're coming on the 15th for that weekend!"
MIL - "Last we spoke, you said you guys were coming for Easter weekend. That's not Easter."
UIL - "Oh, well plan on the 15th-17th instead!"
MIL - "Oh, ummm, well ok."
You see what's wrong here, right? MIL should have told her brothers "that doesn't work for me", but instead is letting them walk all over her.
And, we got the phone call asking us to add UIL-C, his wife, and UIL-T to the guest list or she won't be coming to DS's birthday. And so the guilt was laid upon my DH, because of course he wants his mother there for his son's first birthday!
The problems? If the NJ uncles are allowed to come, then the 3rd brother who lives up the road from MIL is going to want to come. If that uncle gets to come, then the cousins living with him will want to come... along with the 2 kids who live there, neither of which are allowed near my own children because of their behaviors and the ILs general lack of interest in correcting it.
For a good week DH and I discussed the drama fallout concerning both decisions. Personally, I'd rather deal with the drama that comes with telling MIL no. Sadly, this is not the case.
DH is telling MIL they can come... however I did put some specific conditions on him telling her this:
1 - He MUST tell her that NO ONE ELSE is allowed, and she is NOT to call and ask, or bring anyone else with her.
2 - He MUST tell her that, should the uncles decide to come on a weekend she had plans with us ever again, she is NOT to call and ask if they can come. We will NOT be doing this again. The answer is NO. If she wants to cancel, fine. If she wants to come, fine. But the uncles are NOT being added to our plans ever again.
3 - If MIL is dumb enough to call anyway, DH is NOT to ask me to make more exceptions. He is to just tell her "no" WITHOUT blaming me. It is either entirely his decision they cannot come, or our joint decision... but I and the kids are NOT to be blamed.
So, yeah. I'm a bit of a doormat. I caved. I shouldn't have. And now, I'm stuck with MORE people than planned on in my home for my son's birthday...
Should be interesting. I'm not a fan of DH's family. They have no concept of boundaries, and are very entitled and enmeshed. Not to mention, I'm always left out of the loop (but that's a different story).
Our children both have birthdays this month. On the 16th we are having a get-together for our son, who is turning 1. It was supposed to be just our parents, siblings, and a few friends we see on a regular basis. Nothing big, right? Just a relatively small backyard bbq with grandparents and some friends.
Some history of my MIL's behavior:
If her brothers (or anyone else) are coming to visit, they call her and say "we're coming on this date, make it happen" or "we're half an hour away, see you soon". My MIL's response? Well, she is quite easily one of the biggest doormats I know. She will cancel her plans and accomodate these people instead. If they are other peoples' plans, she either invites her brothers along and then tells the person (like my wedding), or she calls the person saying "I can't make it if they can't come" (like a dinner DH and I planned a few months ago for just our parents). If you tell her the uninvited guests cannot come, she cancels on you.
The wedding - Her best friend invited her children and their SOs, then told MIL these extra people were coming too. MIL, in turn, told my parents (who were paying for it)... My parents were pissed, and called me. I was pissed, and flat out told my then fiance he either told his mother to revoke those invites or he had to cut some of his friends from his half of the guest list to make room... He cut the friends. Why? Because his mom's BFF wouldn't come if her kids couldn't. Seriously? WTF?! My DH has since been reformed.
The dinner - We had a nice dinner planned for just our parents one saturday. We made these plans a good month or so in advance. MIL made plans to attend. One of MIL's brothers call her on his way down from NJ friday of that weekend. They're half an hour away. MIL calls us... If my UIL, his wife, and his DSS cannot come then MIL will not be attending. We told her no. She cancelled on us, and then my SIL calls us complaining because "they're family" and it wasn't right we wouldn't change the plans to accomodate.
Here is our current situation:
We made the plans for our childrens' birthdays a few weeks ago, giving everyone a month's notice before DS's birthday as it's the first event. MIL said she's coming. Her 2 brothers in NJ recently called her saying they're comig that weekend. The conversation, from what my DH told me, went something like this...
UIL - "We're coming on the 15th for that weekend!"
MIL - "Last we spoke, you said you guys were coming for Easter weekend. That's not Easter."
UIL - "Oh, well plan on the 15th-17th instead!"
MIL - "Oh, ummm, well ok."
You see what's wrong here, right? MIL should have told her brothers "that doesn't work for me", but instead is letting them walk all over her.
And, we got the phone call asking us to add UIL-C, his wife, and UIL-T to the guest list or she won't be coming to DS's birthday. And so the guilt was laid upon my DH, because of course he wants his mother there for his son's first birthday!
The problems? If the NJ uncles are allowed to come, then the 3rd brother who lives up the road from MIL is going to want to come. If that uncle gets to come, then the cousins living with him will want to come... along with the 2 kids who live there, neither of which are allowed near my own children because of their behaviors and the ILs general lack of interest in correcting it.
For a good week DH and I discussed the drama fallout concerning both decisions. Personally, I'd rather deal with the drama that comes with telling MIL no. Sadly, this is not the case.
DH is telling MIL they can come... however I did put some specific conditions on him telling her this:
1 - He MUST tell her that NO ONE ELSE is allowed, and she is NOT to call and ask, or bring anyone else with her.
2 - He MUST tell her that, should the uncles decide to come on a weekend she had plans with us ever again, she is NOT to call and ask if they can come. We will NOT be doing this again. The answer is NO. If she wants to cancel, fine. If she wants to come, fine. But the uncles are NOT being added to our plans ever again.
3 - If MIL is dumb enough to call anyway, DH is NOT to ask me to make more exceptions. He is to just tell her "no" WITHOUT blaming me. It is either entirely his decision they cannot come, or our joint decision... but I and the kids are NOT to be blamed.
So, yeah. I'm a bit of a doormat. I caved. I shouldn't have. And now, I'm stuck with MORE people than planned on in my home for my son's birthday...
Should be interesting. I'm not a fan of DH's family. They have no concept of boundaries, and are very entitled and enmeshed. Not to mention, I'm always left out of the loop (but that's a different story).
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