Example of Doormattery

This is one of my own. It's a current doormat issue. It could be worse, however in an attempt to appease my husband we are enabling my MIL and potentially setting ourselves up for a lot of drama.

Our children both have birthdays this month. On the 16th we are having a get-together for our son, who is turning 1. It was supposed to be just our parents, siblings, and a few friends we see on a regular basis. Nothing big, right? Just a relatively small backyard bbq with grandparents and some friends.

Some history of my MIL's behavior:

If her brothers (or anyone else) are coming to visit, they call her and say "we're coming on this date, make it happen" or "we're half an hour away, see you soon". My MIL's response? Well, she is quite easily one of the biggest doormats I know. She will cancel her plans and accomodate these people instead. If they are other peoples' plans, she either invites her brothers along and then tells the person (like my wedding), or she calls the person saying "I can't make it if they can't come" (like a dinner DH and I planned a few months ago for just our parents). If you tell her the uninvited guests cannot come, she cancels on you.

The wedding - Her best friend invited her children and their SOs, then told MIL these extra people were coming too. MIL, in turn, told my parents (who were paying for it)... My parents were pissed, and called me. I was pissed, and flat out told my then fiance he either told his mother to revoke those invites or he had to cut some of his friends from his half of the guest list to make room... He cut the friends. Why? Because his mom's BFF wouldn't come if her kids couldn't. Seriously? WTF?! My DH has since been reformed.

The dinner - We had a nice dinner planned for just our parents one saturday. We made these plans a good month or so in advance. MIL made plans to attend. One of MIL's brothers call her on his way down from NJ friday of that weekend. They're half an hour away. MIL calls us... If my UIL, his wife, and his DSS cannot come then MIL will not be attending. We told her no. She cancelled on us, and then my SIL calls us complaining because "they're family" and it wasn't right we wouldn't change the plans to accomodate.

Here is our current situation:

We made the plans for our childrens' birthdays a few weeks ago, giving everyone a month's notice before DS's birthday as it's the first event. MIL said she's coming. Her 2 brothers in NJ recently called her saying they're comig that weekend. The conversation, from what my DH told me, went something like this...


UIL - "We're coming on the 15th for that weekend!"

MIL - "Last we spoke, you said you guys were coming for Easter weekend. That's not Easter."

UIL - "Oh, well plan on the 15th-17th instead!"

MIL - "Oh, ummm, well ok."


You see what's wrong here, right? MIL should have told her brothers "that doesn't work for me", but instead is letting them walk all over her.

And, we got the phone call asking us to add UIL-C, his wife, and UIL-T to the guest list or she won't be coming to DS's birthday. And so the guilt was laid upon my DH, because of course he wants his mother there for his son's first birthday!

The problems? If the NJ uncles are allowed to come, then the 3rd brother who lives up the road from MIL is going to want to come. If that uncle gets to come, then the cousins living with him will want to come... along with the 2 kids who live there, neither of which are allowed near my own children because of their behaviors and the ILs general lack of interest in correcting it.

For a good week DH and I discussed the drama fallout concerning both decisions. Personally, I'd rather deal with the drama that comes with telling MIL no. Sadly, this is not the case.

DH is telling MIL they can come... however I did put some specific conditions on him telling her this:


1 - He MUST tell her that NO ONE ELSE is allowed, and she is NOT to call and ask, or bring anyone else with her.

2 - He MUST tell her that, should the uncles decide to come on a weekend she had plans with us ever again, she is NOT to call and ask if they can come. We will NOT be doing this again. The answer is NO. If she wants to cancel, fine. If she wants to come, fine. But the uncles are NOT being added to our plans ever again.

3 - If MIL is dumb enough to call anyway, DH is NOT to ask me to make more exceptions. He is to just tell her "no" WITHOUT blaming me. It is either entirely his decision they cannot come, or our joint decision... but I and the kids are NOT to be blamed.


So, yeah. I'm a bit of a doormat. I caved. I shouldn't have. And now, I'm stuck with MORE people than planned on in my home for my son's birthday...

Should be interesting. I'm not a fan of DH's family. They have no concept of boundaries, and are very entitled and enmeshed. Not to mention, I'm always left out of the loop (but that's a different story).