Things I Wish I'd Been Told - L&D Edition

Periodically, after accumulating information, I'm going to make a "Things I Wish I'd Been Told" post. Seeing as I've had 3 kids, one 2 months ago, the first edition will be Labor and Delivery! There's plenty of postpartum that will make it in as well. Let's get started!


Labor:

1. All natural, aka drug free, is awesome! I did it with my third.

2. Drugs are your friends! If labor gets to be too much, get the drugs! So what if it means you couldn't claim a drug-free birth? If you're able to relax, labor can progress faster. If you're relaxed, there's less chance of complications. Get the drugs!

3. Epidurals, from what I hear, are your friends! If the other drugs aren't helping enough and you're really in pain, just get the epidural. There is no shame in this. The goal is a happy, healthy delivery. If the epidural helps you get that, then awesome!

4. If you get an epidural, you will get a catheter. Ok, so not guaranteed as some hospitals still do "walking epidurals", however, many are phasing those out. You'll be stuck in your bed, and you will pee through a tube. Be sure you make them wait until AFTER you get the epidural, and make sure they take it our BEFORE they get rid of the epidural!

5. Most women have their water broken for them. It's normal.

6. When your water breaks, labor intensifies. This usually happens shortly after breaking. It's like your body's own form of Pitocin... Be ready for it!

7. If you think you might want an epidural, and the anesthesiologist is ready right then, get it! Even if you're not so bad off yet. If you wait, he/she may not be available when you change your mind. Those c-sections that came up will take precedent over you.

8. Just because you're in labor, doesn't mean your body goes on break. You will still pee. You will still poop. You may even vomit. There's also a good chance you'll do all three at the same time! Whether or not you do these in the toilet is another story.

9. If you feel like you have to poop, tell the nurse. It might be a baby.




Birth:

1. Yes, the head of the crotchfruit DOES come out of that hole!

2. If the head doesn't fit, you will get a c-section no matter how much you didn't want one.

3. When it's time to push you will probably pee and poop. You're pushing, a lot. It happens. Chances are, you won't even notice.

4. You do NOT have to be on your back! They'll tell you that you do, but you really do NOT. If you're able to push easier squatting, then fucking squat! The doctor and nurses will figure it out. Oh, and squatting? Usually it gives your baby an extra 1-3 centimeters to escape your twat!

5. Birth doesn't end with the baby. Remember that thing providing baby with blood and nutrients? That liver-looking placenta? Yeah. You get to give birth to that, too! It's about the size of a small pizza.

6. Dignity goes out the window. If the only person you allow in that room with you is your partner, there will still be 10 people looking at your cooch.




Following Birth:

1. Pee. It happens. All the time. It even happens when you don't think you have to pee. For example, if you sneeze you will pee. If you cough, you will pee. You laugh, you pee! Get the picture? Oh, and it doesn't get back to normal. It'll get better, but you'll still have that sneeze that makes you pee. Panty liners are your friends.

2. Lemon. Clot. ... This is really 'nuf said, however I want you to be fully aware of what this means. You bleed. You bleed a lot! You bleed, many times, for a couple weeks, especially if you're a first time mom! Clots happen. Some are fucking HUGE! Want the gory deets? Read this - Lemon Clot Essay.

3. TAKE THE COLACE!!! If/when the nurses offer you the stool softeners, for the love of all that is Holy TAKE THEM!!! Ask for extras! You'll be sorry if you don't. Oh, and by the way - Even WITH the stool softeners that first shit or two (or five) are going to suck! Those muscles you use to shit are the same you use to shove out that crotchfruit you just birthed. They're not going to want to cooperate.

4. Baby wipes. They're not just for babies. Believe me, they will feel much MUCH better, even after peeing, than toilet paper!

5. While in the hospital, order extra food. Order double entrees! This is how your husband eats for free. You order the entire menu. You just gave birth. They'll give it to you.

6. Depends! They aren't just for old farts! USE THEM! Either that, or you're stuck with pads the size of a jumbo jet and mesh panties at the hospital... Oh, and learn to love granny panties. Anything else will not be all that comfy for a while!

7. Use the coochie ice packs!

8. Motrin works better than Tylenol.

9. Tucks pads! Miracle workers after birth! Even if you didn't end up with massive hemorrhoids, they'll feel amazing!

10. Vaginal or C-section, get up and walk! Do not just lay in the bed. Laying around leads to complications. Get your ass out of that bed, NOW! Yes, you just gave birth. Get up anyway!

11. Sleep! Sleep while you can! Really! If that means no one visits in the hospital, so be it! And YES, it IS ok for the nurses to take your baby to the nursery at night so you can rest. Don't be guilted into keeping the baby in your room 24/7 unless you really want baby there! Believe me, sleep while you can. You won't be getting the rest once you get home.

12. The little squirt bottle? Fill it with warm water before you use the bathroom every time for a week! Use it while you pee. See if you can get a second bottle to have ready to spray off with instead of using toilet paper or wipes.

13. Hemorrhoids. They're evil. They tend to show up after giving birth. Use the tucks pads!!!

14. Don't look at your cooch. No, really. Don't look at it. Wait a few weeks before you dare to glance in that direction. It ain't a pretty sight. It's swollen, red, purple, and everything kind of hangs like the thoroughly used beaver of a BDSM porn star. Just.Do.Not.Look!!!

15. Even if you're "all baby", your belly will still look like a deflated balloon. It takes a while for that to shrink back to normal, and even then there's still some "extra" hanging around.

16. That fluid you keep leaking? Yeah, it can last a while. Like, over 6 weeks potentially. And it smells! It really smells! Even so, do NOT use scented pads. The perfume will irritate your swollen lady bits. Just spray your pants with body spray.

17. You are now a magnet for mosquitoes and other biting insects.

18. Boobs. Lots and lots of boobs. MOUNTAINS of boobs!!! I'm talking about your own, of course. Your As will become Cs overnight. Your Cs will become Fs. Your boobs will become ginormous! And hard. And hot. And painful. It's called engorgement.

19. Breastfeeding helps engorgement. If you cannot BF, DO NOT PUMP! Suffer through it. Cold cabbage leaves really REALLY help!

20. You do not have to have visitors right after you give birth. You can hole yourself and baby up for a month if you so desire. You're in recovery. Your trying to adjust to having a new baby. You CAN tell people "no"! If you choose to not tell people "no", make a condition of them visiting that they bring you a HOME COOKED meal!







As requested, an IMPORTANT add in!


Before you leave the hospital, STEAL EVERYTHING! The pads, the creams, the blue sheet things they put under you so you don't bleed all over the bed, the baby shirts, the baby blankets (though the blankets require a bit of sneakery), diapers, lotions, shampoo, wipes, formula (if your FFing)... You get the idea... It's all yours anyway! Most of it has already been charged to your insurance (or you personally), so you miht as well take it with you!