Ummm... WHAaaa?!

***Disclaimer - You will probably think I am an inconsiderate bitch for this post. I don't care. I'm a bit irritated, and I'm ranting. This is, after all, a rant blog.





One of the towns local to the area I went to high school suffered a tragedy. Five teenagers lost their lives in a horrendous car accident. A small Saturn (I think it was) collided head on with a big ol' pic-up truck hauling a horse trailer.

You couldn't tell it was a car. It was a mangled mess of metal. It was taken away in pieces. I'm not sure how they identified the teens. The Saturn contained the 5 teens. The pick-up contained a family of 4 - mom, dad, teenager, 8mo baby.

Everyone in the pick-up was (physically) fine.



Here is where my issues are:



The local populace is highly upset. So upset that local businesses, such as McDonalds, are holding fund-raisers for the families of the 5 teens.

Why does this piss me off?

BECAUSE THE TEENS WERE AT FAULT FOR THE ACCIDENT!!!

Yes, it was the Saturn that was in the wrong. The car swerved to the right, almost off the road... and the driver then jerked the wheel to the left to correct the problem, only to drive the car OVER the yellow lines into oncoming traffic! It hadn't been raining. There was no snow. It was a very beautiful day that day. There's no way the accident could have been blamed on the road conditions. It was, purely, stupid driving by the teenager behind the wheel.

I know this town. I've seen accident after accident happen in this and surrounding towns. Very, very rarely are there ever fund raisers for the families. Basically, the only ones I know of are the ones where the victim was a biker... and he was the VICTIM (not the CAUSE) in the accident... and a bunch of biker friends organize a ride for the family the first year, and for a cause worth donating to for the following years.

There wasn't an outcry like this oevr the summer when a woman and her unborn baby were killed in an accident because of some idiot crossing the yellow lines. There wasn't an outcry like this when, back when I was in HS, someone I went to school with was decapitated in an accident. There wasn't an outcry like this for ANY accident that I can think of!

Oh, sure, there was the crying... the mass attendance at the viewings... the grief counselors... etc... But the local fund raisers? No. None that I can think of. These are small towns. If there was one, I'd have known about it at some point through the grapevine, or on local news stations, or in the local paper, or over the announcements at school.




What the fuck makes these kids so fucking special!?



Like I said. I know this town. Had it been that family in the pick-up who died instead, or even just ONE member of that family (like the baby), there wouldn't be such a huge outcry. There wouldn't be a fund raiser.



Again, what the fuck makes these kids so fucking special?!




I feel bad for their families. Truly, I do. I keep them in my prayers... ... ...



But really? They CAUSED the accident. How about we NOT get all fundingly excited over this and instead amp up drivers license requirements. It was a car filled to capacity with high schoolers. They were probalby goofing off in the car, not paying attention, and then BAM!!! They cross the yellow line and die.

They brought it upon themselves. Grieve and move on. Don't raise money in honor of somoene who died breaking traffic laws.



The end.



Hate me at will.

A rant...

...about having nothing to rant about.


How the hell can I maintain a blog when I have no rants?! Seriously. I make a blog to rant, or offer advice to those with problems.


No emails, so no problems to rant about and resolve.


And nothing is going horribly wrong in my life, so I have no rants of my own! WTF?! If there are no rants, then my blog is useless!


USELESS I SAY!!!


Perhaps I could complain about my children. But then people would think I shouldn't have had kids. I love my kids! Wouldn't change them for the world! Behaviors, on the other hand, I would.


Even my ILs have been well behaved! Or maybe that's because we don't see them much, so there's nothing to complain about.


Except SIL.


Bitch was trying to call YDD Renesmee. Why? Because SIL claims YDD looks like the baby from the movie. Ummmm... ... ... no. STFU, that is NOT her name. Call her that again, and I'll cut out your tongue and feed it to the goats.


Or maybe the llamas. Llamas might be more fitting.


Perhaps the Holiday season will bring some rant material my way.


*sulks in the corner for a lack of drama* :-p

You know what I hate?

Centipedes.

I HATE centipedes!

I possibly hate them even more than spiders. And I hate spiders. I see a spider, I run away. Unless it's near my children. Then I scream, squish, then do the freaky-creepy-OMG-I-got-close-to-it dance. My children think this is absofuckinglutely hillarious.




Back to the centipedes...




They're just fucking creepy! They're long, and freaky looking with those gianormous legs! AND THERE'S A TON OF LEGS!!!

And they're fucking fast. Too fast. You cannot squish these fuckers because they just run away from you! They're like the allstar olympic track runners of the bug world.

And that just makes me hate them even more.





I had one chase me this morning. I was doing laundry. Fucker ran at me from under the washer. I screamed.

I screamed, I ran, and I fell on my face after tripping on a toy.

Stupid centipede must have booby trapped my escape route! I saw it laughing at me. Then it charged again. And I screamed again. And my children laughed at me.




I love my dog.




I screamed, the kids laughed, the centipede charged... AND MY DOG POUNCED!!!

I love my dog! She's my hero, and currently my favorite. She saved me from the centipede. Ambushed that fucker.

She smacked it. She squished it. She ate it.

Awesome.




I gave her bacon for that. Doggie bacon, but she's still happy.




Centipedes - 0 ... Dog - 1

Mother Nature

Dear M.N.,

Please take yourself to the nearest GYN. Your menopause medications need to be adjusted.

Thanks!

~ Tigre

Things I Wish I'd Been Told - L&D Edition

Periodically, after accumulating information, I'm going to make a "Things I Wish I'd Been Told" post. Seeing as I've had 3 kids, one 2 months ago, the first edition will be Labor and Delivery! There's plenty of postpartum that will make it in as well. Let's get started!


Labor:

1. All natural, aka drug free, is awesome! I did it with my third.

2. Drugs are your friends! If labor gets to be too much, get the drugs! So what if it means you couldn't claim a drug-free birth? If you're able to relax, labor can progress faster. If you're relaxed, there's less chance of complications. Get the drugs!

3. Epidurals, from what I hear, are your friends! If the other drugs aren't helping enough and you're really in pain, just get the epidural. There is no shame in this. The goal is a happy, healthy delivery. If the epidural helps you get that, then awesome!

4. If you get an epidural, you will get a catheter. Ok, so not guaranteed as some hospitals still do "walking epidurals", however, many are phasing those out. You'll be stuck in your bed, and you will pee through a tube. Be sure you make them wait until AFTER you get the epidural, and make sure they take it our BEFORE they get rid of the epidural!

5. Most women have their water broken for them. It's normal.

6. When your water breaks, labor intensifies. This usually happens shortly after breaking. It's like your body's own form of Pitocin... Be ready for it!

7. If you think you might want an epidural, and the anesthesiologist is ready right then, get it! Even if you're not so bad off yet. If you wait, he/she may not be available when you change your mind. Those c-sections that came up will take precedent over you.

8. Just because you're in labor, doesn't mean your body goes on break. You will still pee. You will still poop. You may even vomit. There's also a good chance you'll do all three at the same time! Whether or not you do these in the toilet is another story.

9. If you feel like you have to poop, tell the nurse. It might be a baby.




Birth:

1. Yes, the head of the crotchfruit DOES come out of that hole!

2. If the head doesn't fit, you will get a c-section no matter how much you didn't want one.

3. When it's time to push you will probably pee and poop. You're pushing, a lot. It happens. Chances are, you won't even notice.

4. You do NOT have to be on your back! They'll tell you that you do, but you really do NOT. If you're able to push easier squatting, then fucking squat! The doctor and nurses will figure it out. Oh, and squatting? Usually it gives your baby an extra 1-3 centimeters to escape your twat!

5. Birth doesn't end with the baby. Remember that thing providing baby with blood and nutrients? That liver-looking placenta? Yeah. You get to give birth to that, too! It's about the size of a small pizza.

6. Dignity goes out the window. If the only person you allow in that room with you is your partner, there will still be 10 people looking at your cooch.




Following Birth:

1. Pee. It happens. All the time. It even happens when you don't think you have to pee. For example, if you sneeze you will pee. If you cough, you will pee. You laugh, you pee! Get the picture? Oh, and it doesn't get back to normal. It'll get better, but you'll still have that sneeze that makes you pee. Panty liners are your friends.

2. Lemon. Clot. ... This is really 'nuf said, however I want you to be fully aware of what this means. You bleed. You bleed a lot! You bleed, many times, for a couple weeks, especially if you're a first time mom! Clots happen. Some are fucking HUGE! Want the gory deets? Read this - Lemon Clot Essay.

3. TAKE THE COLACE!!! If/when the nurses offer you the stool softeners, for the love of all that is Holy TAKE THEM!!! Ask for extras! You'll be sorry if you don't. Oh, and by the way - Even WITH the stool softeners that first shit or two (or five) are going to suck! Those muscles you use to shit are the same you use to shove out that crotchfruit you just birthed. They're not going to want to cooperate.

4. Baby wipes. They're not just for babies. Believe me, they will feel much MUCH better, even after peeing, than toilet paper!

5. While in the hospital, order extra food. Order double entrees! This is how your husband eats for free. You order the entire menu. You just gave birth. They'll give it to you.

6. Depends! They aren't just for old farts! USE THEM! Either that, or you're stuck with pads the size of a jumbo jet and mesh panties at the hospital... Oh, and learn to love granny panties. Anything else will not be all that comfy for a while!

7. Use the coochie ice packs!

8. Motrin works better than Tylenol.

9. Tucks pads! Miracle workers after birth! Even if you didn't end up with massive hemorrhoids, they'll feel amazing!

10. Vaginal or C-section, get up and walk! Do not just lay in the bed. Laying around leads to complications. Get your ass out of that bed, NOW! Yes, you just gave birth. Get up anyway!

11. Sleep! Sleep while you can! Really! If that means no one visits in the hospital, so be it! And YES, it IS ok for the nurses to take your baby to the nursery at night so you can rest. Don't be guilted into keeping the baby in your room 24/7 unless you really want baby there! Believe me, sleep while you can. You won't be getting the rest once you get home.

12. The little squirt bottle? Fill it with warm water before you use the bathroom every time for a week! Use it while you pee. See if you can get a second bottle to have ready to spray off with instead of using toilet paper or wipes.

13. Hemorrhoids. They're evil. They tend to show up after giving birth. Use the tucks pads!!!

14. Don't look at your cooch. No, really. Don't look at it. Wait a few weeks before you dare to glance in that direction. It ain't a pretty sight. It's swollen, red, purple, and everything kind of hangs like the thoroughly used beaver of a BDSM porn star. Just.Do.Not.Look!!!

15. Even if you're "all baby", your belly will still look like a deflated balloon. It takes a while for that to shrink back to normal, and even then there's still some "extra" hanging around.

16. That fluid you keep leaking? Yeah, it can last a while. Like, over 6 weeks potentially. And it smells! It really smells! Even so, do NOT use scented pads. The perfume will irritate your swollen lady bits. Just spray your pants with body spray.

17. You are now a magnet for mosquitoes and other biting insects.

18. Boobs. Lots and lots of boobs. MOUNTAINS of boobs!!! I'm talking about your own, of course. Your As will become Cs overnight. Your Cs will become Fs. Your boobs will become ginormous! And hard. And hot. And painful. It's called engorgement.

19. Breastfeeding helps engorgement. If you cannot BF, DO NOT PUMP! Suffer through it. Cold cabbage leaves really REALLY help!

20. You do not have to have visitors right after you give birth. You can hole yourself and baby up for a month if you so desire. You're in recovery. Your trying to adjust to having a new baby. You CAN tell people "no"! If you choose to not tell people "no", make a condition of them visiting that they bring you a HOME COOKED meal!







As requested, an IMPORTANT add in!


Before you leave the hospital, STEAL EVERYTHING! The pads, the creams, the blue sheet things they put under you so you don't bleed all over the bed, the baby shirts, the baby blankets (though the blankets require a bit of sneakery), diapers, lotions, shampoo, wipes, formula (if your FFing)... You get the idea... It's all yours anyway! Most of it has already been charged to your insurance (or you personally), so you miht as well take it with you!

Sexual Training

In light of a previous post, I got the idea to make one about how one would hypothetically train their husband (or wife, or SO) through the use of sexual rewards. Here it is!


Step one is setting up the reward system. What acts are given for what level of reward. Of course, you can alter the list as you see fit. I've just gathered some generals and placed them where I thought they'd fit.


The Reward System

Low Level Rewards:

• Massage with oils
• Sleep naked
• Steamy Make-Out Session



Mid-Level Rewards:

• Sex in a Non-Typical Location at Home (Kitchen, Stairs, Backyard, etc.)
• Hand Job
• Joint Mastubation with a Toy
• Watch Porn Together



High Level Rewards:

• Anal
• Blow Job
• Bondage
• Sex in a Public Place




After setting up your reward system, you must figure out what type of acts get what level of reward. We're going to assume you have a comlpletely untrained SO. He can't do anything for himself or for you, not even basic chores. I know. Unrealistic, but it will work for this blog.




What Acts Earn What Rewards?

Low Level

• Basic Household Chores - laundry, dishes, sweep/mop
• Suprising you with your favorite treat (flowers, candy, nachos, whatever)



Mid Level

• Randomly giving you the night off
• Placing you above his family with words



High Level

• Placing You Above His Mother (or other family member) With Actions





Ok, so you've made your lists. Let's say it's been a long day at home with the kids. You haven't managed to get dishes done all day. Hubby comes home and, after dinner, washes every dish int he house without being asked!

Thank him for it right away verbally. Tell him you appreciate the help. Then, later, pull out that warming lotion/oil and give him an amazing massage.

If there was no help or, Heaven forbid, complaining about the dishes... he doesn't get anything!



A few days go by. Your MIL calls. She's informed you she's on her way over to visit and expects dinner on the table.

Your husband, in response, says "Great! Can't wait to see you!"

This requires your cooch to dry up and shut down for the next month! He should be punished greatly for this.

Now, if he tells his mother that since this was not planned you will NOT be entertaining her, and you won't even let her in the house... choose a mid-level reward. This is verbal, so only gans mid-level. If possible, give the reward before MIL arrives.

MIL arrives. Your husband caves and lets her in. Cooch dries up.

MIL arrives. Your husband stands by his words... ... ... Fuck his brains out! Hell, do it in the room where MIL will hear it as she stands outside knocking on the door!




Get the idea? Good.



Now... go use those magical vajayjays to conquer the men of the world!

Whorin' It Up!

I ... ... ... am a whore.


Why am I a whore? Well, according to some my "showing thanks" to my husband through sexual acts is very whorish. Thus, I am a whore.


I have a problem with this.


What was that? Oh, you want to know what my problem is. Ok.


Whores get paid. I receive no compensation for those blow jobs. I'm not handed a wad of cash for the sessions of sex. No one pays extra for doggy-style. There's no reimbursement for half the time being shower-sex. And I even clean the sheets afterwards! Yet, I don't get paid.


How can I be a whore if I don't get paid?!


So, I've concluded that "whore" is an inappropriate term.


What about "slut"? Am I a slut, instead?


No. I'm not a slut, either. Slut, while not paid for the services provided, is still not the correct term. I don't sleep with enough people. My husband is my only partner! I can't be a slut if I only have one partner!


Hmmm... What can I possibly be?


... ... ...


... ... ...


... ... ...


Still thinking...


... ... ...


... ... ...


... ... ...


OH I KNOW WHAT I AM!!!


I am my husband's wife! I'm his significant other! I'm his one and only lover!


So I reward my husband with sex. So what? As his lover, is it not my job to keep his needs beyond satisfied?


As his wife, I keep his needs happily sated. As his lover, I find reasons to give him extra. So what if sometimes those reasons are after something he's done that I'm truly thankful for? He's happy, I'm happy, and the house smells like sex an extra couple nights a week!




Though now I'm thinking too much. What if sex really WAS used as a form of reward?! Stay tuned... there will be a post soon!

Random Questions

So, I'm bored. It's been a long week dealing with some basement flooding (I live in PA. Between Irene and Lee, we got our asses kicked over here). To entertain myself, I'm going to come up with questions based off of stupid shit I've heard about and then give a response. Let's get started!



Q. Dear Tigre, I'm trying to educate my grandchildren behind my DIL's back. Basically, she leaves the kids in my care and I home school them what I think they should learn without her permission. How do I get her to "see the light" about homeschooling? I want to be their teacher and I believe I can teach them better than any school. ~ Stealthy Homeschooler

Fun Answer - Dear Stealthy... Are you a fucking idiot?! These are NOT your children. They will NEVER be your children. You will NEVER be their mommy! You are just their grandmother. You have no right to be playing teacher without their mother's permission. I hope she catches your ass and never leaves you unsupervised with her children again. Dumb ass... Love, Tigre

Real Answer - Dear Stealthy... As I'm sure you're aware, these are in fact NOT your children. You should not be making decisions concerning their education. That is their mother and father's place. I advise you stop your attempts to homeschool your grandchildren without their mother's permission. I also advise you not attempt to convince your DIL to let you. The end result will be bad for you. If you value your time with your grandkids, you'll follow their mother's wishes. If you do not, be warned you may start seeing them less and less. There is nothing wrong with children attending a school, and it is not your decision to make concerning your grandkids.



Q. Dear Tigre, my son is about to marry some tramp. This bitch is trying to steal my baby boy away from me! How do I get rid of her? She's already turned him against me! I know it's really her deciding everything. My baby would NEVER side with anyone other than me without having been brainwashed! She must have a magic twat! How do I save my son from the powers of her vagazzalings?! Sincerely, Concerned Mommy

FA. Dear Concerned... You're fucked. Sadly for you, your son was sucked into the vortex of the vagazzaling powers. There is no hope. Give up the battle now, before you never see your son and any future grandchildren. Cater to your stbDIL's every whim, lest you find yourself in the blackened void known as "The Black Hole". Love, Tigre

RA. Dear Concerned... Why would you want to change your son? It is apparent you have raised him right if he is placing his stbDW above everyone else. I understand you don't like that you are no longer first in his life, however it would be this way no matter who he married. Your son has become a fine man and seems to know where his priorities should lie as he embarks down a new road in life. Be proud of him. Respect his decisions. Respect your future DIL. Love, Tigre



Q. Dear Tigre, my wife is being a complete bitch! According to her I should be taking her side with everything! She wants me to back her up against my mother! Is she insane?! That's my MOM! Why can't she just STFU and make my mom happy?! Is it really too much to ask to see your grandchildren every weekend? Is it really that bad to have their grandmother watch them while we work, especially when she'll do it for free!? Besides, my mom would NEVER trash-talk my wife! Mom's a fucking saint! I can't believe my wife even accused my mom of calling her a cheap whore! How do I get my wife to knock off her shit and "keep the peace"? Thanks, Mamma's Boy

FA. Dear Mamma's Boy... Please do your wife a favor and file for divorce. Your head must be so far up your mother's vag, I doubt there is any hope for you at all. So, file for divorce. Give your wife custody in all forms, and agree to all her demands come the court dates. It's the only way there will ever be "peace". Don't like that idea? Well, you could always retrieve your balls from your mother (it's amazing you even have kids considering you're sackless) and start supporting your wife. She comes before everyone else. Make her happy. Tell your mom to fuck off. Believe your spouse and cater to your WIFE'S demands. You know? If you're man enough to do so. Love, Tigre

RA. Dear Mamma's Boy... Wow. There are many, many things wrong here. I don't want to suggest your relationship is doomed, however it would seem that way. No, your wife is NOT the one causing the end of your marriage. YOU are. You're allowing your mother to come between you and your wife. Your wife should be placed above your mom in ALL things. Might I suggest marriage counselling for the two of you as a couple? Also, might I suggest individual counselling for yourself to get to the bottom of your "mommy issues"? If you want to save your marriage, then you need to believe, support, and protect your wife. If that means you have to piss off your mother, then you piss off your mother. Love, Tigre






I'm sure I'll come up with more later. The youngest cub is waking up, though, so I must leave you with just those three. Any suggestions for future Q&As?

Respect, Marriage, and Idiocrity

Wow. Two in one day!


It has come to my attention that there are women out there who think it is perfectly fine to flirt and otherwise romantically fraternize with men who are not their spouse. This goes for men, too, only about women.

Seriously?! A great big WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!

I cannot call the woman-child this on the site I saw this on, as it'd be a personal attack... but women like that are tramps. They're sluts who have not YET spread their legs. They're a bane upon the Earth bringing a bad name to women and the sanctity of marriage.



If you are married, you do NOT flirt with other people!

If you are married, you do NOT allow others to make sexual comments to you, about you, unless it's your husband/wife!

If these people continue when you make it clear it is unacceptable (ASSuming you're smart enough to do so), then you remove them from your life!



RESPECT your spouse enough to not flirt with others.

RESPECT your spouse enough to not allow others to flirt and be inappropriate with you.

RESPECT yourself enough to only want your spouse!

RESPECT YOUR FUCKING MARRIAGE!!!



That is all.

Divided Loyalties

A recent post on a certain advice column shocked me. This particular advice columnist is known for giving "suck it up and take it in the ass you fucking doormat" advice. Recently, however, this person actually gave GOOD advice. She told the woman in need that, since she must make a choice, she should be choosing her husband.

This got me thinking about loyalties and marriage. Not even marriage, perhaps. It is probably more like loyalties when in any kind of a relationship.

If you have a partner - boy/girlfriend, fiance/fiancee, husband/wife, or whatever you may classify your significant other relationship - your loyalties lie with that person. They lie ONLY with that person.


Some examples:


• Dad doesn't like your SO.
- You side with your SO. Dad needs to suck it up and be civil. If dad does not, then you don't see dad. It is not ok to subject your SO to your father's abuse, and you shouldn't reward him by allowing him to visit with you without your SO. You should also expect an apology.

• Your SO claims your mother dumped the bottle you made for your infant because, according to your mother, your SO didn't make it right. Your mother denies this.
- You side with your SO. You believe your SO. Anything less would be telling your SO that he/she is a liar. This results in a lack of trust in the relationship. No trust means no relationship. As for your mother, you should never leave your SO alone with her again lest she pull the same or another stunt to try and drive a wedge between you and your SO. You should also tell her that it is unacceptable to undermine your SO's parenting in any way.



When you enter a relationship, that person becomes number one in your life. Mom, dad, siblings? They all take a back seat to your SO. If they refuse to accept that, then you should start distancing yourself from them. If you leave your loyalties divided, your relationship is guaranteed to have problems. If your loyalties remain divided, or if you side with your FOO, your relationship with deteriorate and ultimately fail.

Did You Really Just Ask That?!

I'm a bit irritated with my DH today. He had a DuH moment. Granted, it wasn't a big moment, but he seriously should have known better! Especially after last year with our DS!

I don't share my babies. I don't have to. I don't want to. I don't like to! Be happy I let you see my kids! Why must you want to have ALL the experiences?!

I medically cannot breastfeed. I hate that. I WANT to, but I cannot. I won't go into details. Just know I can't. The "mommy guilt" is horrible about it, and my only way of feeling better about it is by still being the sole provider of food for my babies when they're born (with the exception of DH giving a bottle here and there). I do not share this for at least the first few months, and even then it's rare I let someone else feed my kids.

Last year when DS was all of 4 days old my MIL got all butt hurt when I wouldn't let her feed my son. We were moving into our new house. MIL came to help. I learned that, in her mind, helping meant she takes care of DS while I moved furniture and unpacked boxes and played hostess to the people who came to help out. Didn't happen. I took care of my 2 kids, and I pointed her towards the moving truck. Big CBF, and later tears to my (then) DuH.

He and I actually FOUGHT because of that wench over other people feeding MY babies! We resolved the issue. He got on my side real quick. I didn't exactly give him a choice in the matter.

That brings us to today. YDD is a little over 2 weeks old. Today is FIL's birthday. We've invited him up for dinner.

What did my idiot husband ask me this morning???


"Hey, would it be OK if my dad fed (YDD) once if he were to ask tonight?"


Ummm, WHAT?!?!?! Excuse me?!?!?! Did you seriously just ask me that?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

He changed his tune quick. Not sure why. I didn't say anything. I'm sure I was shooting flaming daggers from my eyes though, so that may have something to do with it.



Sadly, I suspect the issue may come up again... when FIL is here... in which case I will grab my children and lock ourselves in my bedroom until FIL leaves and DH removes his head from his ass.

New Babies and Idiocrity

First, I must apologize for my absence. It's been a full 2 months since my last post. The main reason for that was a lack of things to rant about. I was avoiding drama sources for a while, as it was my last two months of pregnancy. As fun as it may have been, I really didn't want to chew someone up and barf up the remains over some stupid PA comment.

I have finally returned! My latest crotchfruit was birthed on July 11th after a very intense, but short lived, labor. We're talking 2.5 hours from first contraction to delivery of the bebeh. Sucked, but definitely preferable to longer labor!

Anywhoo, the ranting and raving can once again resume! Today's topic is the idiocrity that comes from the birth of a baby!

This is child number 3. A baby girl. The stupidity is, yet again, on the side of my ILs. The first stupid act was the day the baby was born. Rather than calling with a time they would be coming to the hospital to visit, FIL told DH "I'll call when I get there" and refused to give an actual time. Never mind the fact we had a certain time frame where my parents were bringing ODD and DS to meet their new sister. Never mind that the rooms were very small, so if FIL and MIL got there at the same time as the kids there wouldn't be enough room for everyone. No. FIL had to do it his way. Whatever. We sucked it up. FIL and MIL showed up 10 minutes before Mom, Dad, ODD and DS. FIL and MIL had to cut their visit short because of it.

The next stupid act was, again, on the part of FIL. YDD was born on a Monday. We went home on Wednesday. Thursday FIL called wanting to come visit that Saturday. DH told him he'd have to get back to him after we discussed the possibility of a visit, since you know? I had just shoved a watermelon out of my cooch, and DH wanted to make sure I was up for visitors at the house before people came over. FIL got pissed about this. No, really. He got pissed. Apparently DH shouldn't be making sure his wife and children are happy, healthy, and ready for visitors. In retaliation FIL decided he no longer wanted to come visit... Sadly for him, this didn't bother us any at all. It's his loss.

Oh, and let's not forget The Debil. It would seem that it's no big deal to DH's family to be discussing what method I am using to feed YDD all over DH's FB wall! Yes, DH has an aunt who has posted in various places about how breastfeeding is best for me and YDD, and blah blah blah this and that and a bunch of other shit that has no business being discussed by these people! WTF?! I mean, seriously?! You're going to talk about ME breastfeeding on my DH's FB page?! I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW YOU!!!!!!!! It's none of your business whether or not I BF, how much I BF, why I BF, or anything else... AND IT SURE AS HELL DOESN'T BELONG ON MY DH'S FB PAGE FOR EVERYONE TO SEE YOU BITCH!!!

Oh, and by the way... I DON'T EVEN BF!!!!!!! Medically cannot. So what the hell is she doing even talking about me BFing if I don't BF?!?! Oh, wait. I'm sure it's just another PA attempt from people in DH's family to guilt me into doing something. How dare I not BF! They pulled this shit last year before and after DS was born as well.

Oh, and then there was the Skype call with TBIL. He's a family-is-everything glitter shitting unicorn. I love him. He's the most normal of DH's family (well, his wife is even more normal, but TBIL is the most normal of the blood-relations). However, he's still a damned unicorn. He spent a good amount of time telling us we just have to deal with FIL for the rest of FIL's life, because he's faaaaaaammmmmmiiilllllyyyyyyy and we need to make time for him when he calls, even though we might already have plans or it might not be a good day because that's what family does! And all he has to live for are his grandkids! ... Fuck that.

I'm waiting for the next stupid thing to come up. I'm betting on a FM telling us we need to go visit the ILs because OBIL and SIL haven't met YDD yet.

To Lie Or Not To Lie...

...that, apparently, is a huge question!


Be warned. This will get long!





I guess the first thing to do is figure out what is meant by "lie". Let's look at some definitions:



"LIE"

noun - 1. a false statement made with the intent to decieve; an intentional untruth; a falsehood ... 2. something intended or serving to convey a false impression ... 3. an inaccurate or false statement

verb - 4. to knowingly speak falsely ... 5. to convey a false impression ... 6. to bring about or affect by lying



Well, now we know what a "lie" is, and what it means "to lie". Basically, knowingly saying something you know to be false. Or, saying something to intentionally portray someone or something differently than what/how that thing or person is.



As for why this topic has come up:



I recently have been flamed for a parenting decision. That decision is to never lie to my kids. I cannot expect them to tell the truth if I am unwilling to do so myself. I want my children to ALWAYS speak the truth. As such, I must ALWAYS speak the truth as well. I cannot expect them to behave in any way I am not willing to myself.

In my situation, this means that I also cannot lie where my daughter's father (BFa) is concerned. Yes, she is only 4 years old. However, she has begun asking questions concerning her father. She has also begun requesting to stay home, rather than going to visit him.



We'll start with a simple one:



Maybe 4 months ago my DD started an "I don't like boys" kick. This has been an ongoing thing, and yes, it includes ALL boys - Daddy, little brother, and BFa included. About 3 months ago, DD started asking me if I liked this person or that person. It started with people like a grandparent, then an aunt or uncle, then a cousin, then Daddy, then her brother...

...and then she moved on to people in BFa's family. She stuck to 3 people:

WBFa ... BFa ... Grandma (BFa's mother)

Now, some would tell me I was wrong for what I did. They would say that I should have lied, because it would be a small lie. They would say that I should have lied because it would prevent DD from making her decisions and basing her own feelings on those of her mother (mine). However, if I were to lie, based on that argument wouldn't she still base her opinions on what I said? Would she then not learn to form her own opinions, because her own might differ from Mommy's? Wouldn't she only like these people because Mommy likes them?

I told DD the truth. I like WBFa a little bit, but not enough to call her a "friend". I do not like BFa much at all. I do not like, and will probably never like, Grandma.

At the time this happened, DD decided that I only like WBFa a little bit because WBFa puts DD in time-out sometimes. She did not ask if this was why. She decided that must be the reason, and I saw no reason to correct it since she did not ask.

She also decided I don't like BFa because BFa is a boy. Again, until she asks why I don't like BFa, I see no reason to change this.

She could not figure out why I don't like Grandma, though. This one she did ask "why".

Again, there are those who think I should have lied here. I will admit, I can somewhat see their point. I know how my kids are. They don't particularly care for people who are mean to Mommy and Daddy. However, I refuse to lie to my children. If the truth is something good about another person, great. If the truth is something bad, then so be it. I do not believe things should be hidden just because the information may be damning to that person's relationships.

DD asked a question, and while there was a chance it would influence her own opinions I was not going to lie to my child when she asked me why I do not like Grandma.


DD - Why don't you like Grandma?

Me - A long time ago, when you were a very little baby, Grandma said some not-nice things about Mommy. She also did some not-nice things when Mommy took you to visit her. Grandma never told Mommy sorry, and sometimes she still says not-nice things about Mommy. So, Mommy doesn't like Grandma.

DD - Is that why Grandma can't come to our house to play?

Me - Yes, that is part of why she cannot come play at our house.

DD - I like playing with Grandma. Can I still go see her at her house?

Me - Of course you can! If you want to like Grandma, and if you want to play with Grandma when you are there, you can!

DD - I like Grandma. But sometimes she ignores me. Then I don't like Grandma. Can I have some chocolate milk please?

*end conversation*


I see nothing wrong with our conversation. My DD asked a question. I answered her honestly. Some would say I should never have told her that Grandma says bad things about me. But if I were to hide that piece of information, how would I have answered DD's question? I would have had to lie to her. I either would have had to make something up (lie), or I'd have had to find a way to just omit that information (also a lie - lie by omission).

The people who would have had me never reveal that info to DD, though, would also be the people who would have had me lie in the first place. They'd have had me tell DD that I do like her Grandma, in which case I'd never have to tell DD why I don't like the woman.



I've discovered these are the people who would have me spray paint DD's life with glitter. I would create an image of BFa and his family full of goodness, claiming everyone is awesome and kind and loving. I'd take DD's complaints about her father and his family and turn it into something good in order to make them seem less like assholes.

I would intentionally say things intended to decieve DD. I would give her a false impression of BFa and his family.

Sound familiar? Scroll up and read definitions 1 & 2 for "lie".




Now for the biggie, the issue that caused the "rile up" and my "flaming":

My DD's dislike for her father is no longer because "he's a boy". It is no longer an innocent phase she'll grow out of. Currently, she genuinely doesn't like him very much. She may decide in the future that she likes him again, but for the time being she doesn't. As such, she does not want to go visit him anymore, and has told me so for the past 3 visits. The first of which resulted in a MASSIVE meltdown on DD's part that lasted from the moment she woke up that morning until sometime after she was placed in BFa's car.

A rundown of that morning:


6:30am - wake DD up. DD refuses to get up, rolls over and pulls blanket over her head.

6:35am - second attempt to get DD up. She sits up, yells "I'm not going!", then hides under the covers again

6:40am - I pull all blankets off DD's bed and tell her to get up. Screaming ensues. I walk away and get DS dressed and set him up with some Cheerios.

6:50am - DD is no longer screaming. Instead she is sitting on her bed crying that she just wants to stay home. Conversation ensues:

DD - I don't want to go see BFa. I want to stay home with you!

Me - But don't you want to go have fun, and see WBFa? And maybe Grandma?

DD - No! I don't want to see any of them! I don't even want to see (the cat)!

Me - Why don't you want to go?

DD - Because I love you more, Mommy.

Me - I love you too, sweetie. We still have to go. BFa gets to see you too sometimes.

DD - NO! I want to stay home!


This pretty much continued all morning. It also continued in the car on the ride down.

When we got to the meeting place, I spoke with her father before getting DD out of the car. I wanted him to be aware that it might not be the greatest visit, and I told him why. He laughed it off and shrugged as if he didn't believe me.

So, I get DD out of the car. She proceeds to walk up to BFa and tell him she isn't going, that she is staying with me and going back home. DD then proceeds to try and get back in my car.

His reaction? He says "Hey! Where are you going?!" then grabs her and sticks her in his car. No acknowledgement of her being upset, nothing. This results in a major meltdown.

DD is kicking and screaming trying to get out of the car. She is demanding to go back home. She's crying. She starts begging, pleading, and eventually starts looking very scared.

BFa, unfortunately, completely ignores her. He doesn't speak to her, doesn't look at her, nothing. He just straps her in and goes to shut the door. By all means it looked like he had just kidnapped a child, and she was still screaming bloody murder in the back on the verge of hyperventillating.



For a typical 4yo, ignoring a tantrum is what you do. DD is not your "typical" 4yo girl. DD haas behavior issues. These issues stem from emotional issues. These emotional issues, according to her therapist, are most likely due to an underlying mood disorder.

Small tantrums, yes, we are supposed to ignore. Escalations we are supposed to try and calm before they become explosions. Explosions we are supposed to help her calm down. BFa has been informed of this. He was aware of this before the morning of this incident.

DD was escalating, and he ignored her completely. DD exploded, and he continued to ignore her completely. Her explosion cycled into panic...



I intervened. I openned his car door and helped my daughter. I did not remove her from the car. That would have made it worse if she were taken out and then had to get back in once calm.

I did grab her hands in mine and kept saying her name until she was able to look at me. This took about 5 minutes. At that point I was able to get her calmed down in only another 5 minutes of time. Get her to look at me, followed by deep breaths to get her to focus and calm down.

Once calm, I talked to her briefly about why she was upset (wanted to go back home). I told her I understood that she is upset, and that it is ok for her to be upset, but it was not ok to hit, kick, scream, and try to bite. I told her it was BFa's turn to see her, and that I was sure she'd have a lot of fun. I told her I love her, and I reminded her that she'd get to come home the next day. We hugged and I closed the car door.

I then reinformed BFa of her mood disorder and the way her tantrums, escalations, and blow-ups are supposed to be handled. He gave his generic "ok, I get it" response and left.



Before you point out the obvious, I know he doesn't "get it". He's even spoken with DD's therapist about it and doesn't buy into any of it. He thinks DD will just "grow out of it" and be "normal". He's refusing to think this is any different than other kids just being brats. His reasoning? One of his friends' son was supposedly way worse than DD when he was DD's age, and he "grew out of it" and is now the most pleasant child in the neighborhood!

No amount of talking to him is getting him to realize he needs to take this seriously. A mood disorder is NOT the same as typical preschooler tantrum behaviors. But this is for a different venting post.




Now, the reason I told you about this particular DD drop-off:



As I stated, DD currently genuinely does not like her father.

When she came home the next day, I asked BFa how the visit went. According to him, it was not like their normal visits. She had no interest in playing with him or WBFa. She didn't want to talk to anyone, either. There was no running around, nothing. She was just "not her typical happy self". Instead, she sat on the couch and stared at the TV or off into space. Or, she curled up on her bed and slept. Or she sat on the floor in the livingroom looking at books or coloring while ignoring everyone around her. The entire visit DD just seemed very angry, and when she would speak to someone it usually came out sounding very angry.

He asked me if this is a normal occurance at home. I took the opportunity to yet again try to explain to him about mood disorders, especially Bipolar disorder since that is the one the therapist could see her developing into. I told him this will continue to happen. She will either level out around second or third grade and she'll just be a "moody person" her whole life, or she will progress into an actual mood disorder that will probably need management.

He argued that she could still be "normal" and not even be moody. It doesn't have to be that way. I've informed him that, yes, with a mood disorder it IS that way and he needs to understand this so he can appropriately handle problems when they arrise while DD is in his care.



So... crappy visit with her father.



We got home, and she wanted to just go to bed. The next day, however, I did talk with DD about everything. It had become apparent that there's a reason she was that adamant about not going to the point of a blow-up. I needed to find out what that reason is.

As it turns out, DD is ignored for quite a bit when she's over there. Small tantrums, large tantrums, escalations, explosions. Though, explosions usually land her in a time-out over there.

She was most upset, though, that she is ignored when something is actually bothering her. Now, to an adult the "problem" may not be a problem at all. To a 4yo, however, it could be something huge. According to DD, she's ignored over these things as well.

She doesn't like being ignored. BFa ignores her. She doesn't like BFa anymore, and no longer wants to go.




The questions, and honest answers, that got me flamed by a few people:



DD - Can you let me stay home next time?

Me - No, I cannot let you stay home on the days BFa gets to see you.

DD - Why not?

Me - BFa is your father. As such, he gets to see you sometimes too. Mommy gets to see you all the time! BFa only gets a couple times to see you, and you need to go see him.

DD - But you're Mommy. You can tell him "no".

Me - Actually, I cannot tell him "no". Not for this.

DD - Why not?

Me - You know how there are rules that you have to follow? (yeah) You know how if you don't follow the rules you can get into a lot of trouble? (yeah) Well, Mommy has rules she has to follow, too. And if Mommy doesn't follow the rules, she can get into a lot of trouble also. One of those rules is that I have to let BFa see you sometimes.

DD - Oh. Well, can BFa let me stay home?

Me - Yes. On the days that BFa gets to see you, if he were to say you can stay home then you could stay home. If he were to say no, though, then you would still have to go. I'm sure he would miss you a lot if he didn't get to see you.

DD - He can miss me all he wants!

*DD then refused to talk any more about it*




Again, I do not see how I have wronged my daughter by telling her the truth. Will the answers hurt her relationship with her father? Maybe. Like I said before, though, I do not believe truth should be hidden just to "protect" people from the harm that can come when people are fully informed.

It is a fact that I cannot keep DD home on the days BFa gets visitation.

It is a fact that BFa can make the decision to let DD stay home on those days.

I have given my DD truthful information. BFa may not like my honesty, but that is because it places him in conflict with DD when she acts upon the info she has been given. I truly feel it would be wrong to lie to DD in order to protect BFa. If he truly wants a good relationship with her, then he will need to work for it just like any other parent.




As for what DD has done with the information:



The past 2 visits she has asked BFa if she can stay home. She has not had a meltdown. She has not cried. She has not screamed. She has not freaked out in any way.

She gets out of my car, walks up to her father, and calmy asks - "I really don't want to go today. Can I please stay with Mommy this time?"

Sadly, he never answers her. He doesn't acknowledge the question at all. Even if the answer is "no", she would still prefer to not be ignored... and he doesn't even give her that.

So, for the past 2 visits, I have watched my DD ask her question. I watch her get ignored. I watch her little shoulders slump as she makes a big sigh and comes to give me a hug. I hug her, tell her I love her, and reassure her that I'm sure she'll have a lot of fun. I remind her that she comes home the next day, and then I watch as she slowly, with head hung down, goes back to her father and gets in his car.





Again, there are people who would claim this all could be avoided if I had never told her the truth. If I hadn't let her know that BFa has the power to let her stay home, then she wouldn't be asking him. As such, she wouldn't be being hurt by him ignoring her question.

I say this is total bullshit!

Had I hid the truth from my DD, she'd still be very upset about the situation. She would know that she doesn't want to go, and that Mommy was making her, and that BFa was making her... and she wouldn't even remotely know why. She would still be demanding to stay home, most likely having meltdowns every time. She would still be being ignored by her father.

DD would be even more stressed out not knowing the truth than she is now that I've told her.

I gave her information. I gave her facts. She now knows that I am not forcing this on her "just because". She knows that I have to let her go, and that I cannot change that. She also knows that she could stay home if BFa says it's ok, but if he says "no" then the visit does have to happen. The past two visits, while still somewhat crappy, have shown that DD can better handle "being made" to visit BFa now that she's been "clued in".

How is this possibly a bad thing?!




Oh, wait. Those people who would have me outright lie, or lie by omission, think I am intentionally turning my DD against her father. They think I am passively agressively making her hate BFa and his family.

Apparently, instead of telling my DD the truth, I'm supposed to be making her feel all warm and cozy. I'm supposed to be trying to change her mind about her father. I'm supposed to be trying to make her like him again.

Again I say...

BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!!!!!!! (wow, that's definitely an interesting image)

Really?! I'm supposed to invalidate my DD's feelings? I'm supposed to tell her her feelings are wrong? I'm supposed to withhold information that can help her better handle her emotions, just so "Daddy of the Year" doesn't have to deal with the repercussions of his own stupidity!? REALLY?!




No. Not going to happen. Ever.




Lying and withholding information is not in DD's best interest. It might be in BFa's best interest, but it is not in DD's best interest.

As her mother, my concern is what is best for DD. Being open and honest with her is what is best for her.




I will continue to tell my DD the truth.








... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...







Side note:


BFa is not the only person who may be illaffected by my honesty with my children. I am honest with them (well, DD right now. DS is only 1 and isn't asking questions yet, and "baby" hasn't been born yet) about everyone and everything.

My SIL was in a TO last year for a few months. Seeing as she lives with MIL, MIL pretty much because "collateral damage". Although, that was more through her own choice as we did extend the invitation for her to visit us here.

DD noticed we hadn't seen MIL and SIL in a while. She asked us why...

By the end of her questioning, she knew that DH and I were upset with SIL (her aunt). She knew we were upset with her because she said some very mean things. She knew SIL had not appologized. She knew we wanted to still see MIL (Abuela), but that MIL kept saying "no" when we asked her to come visit.

Her own summary of it when it was all said and done:


"So, Titi is in a time out for not being nice. I get time outs when I'm not nice, but I say 'sorry' so I can come out of them. Titi should say sorry. And Abuela needs to come play anyway because she isn't in a time out."




It isn't just BFa that I'm open and honest about. It's everyone.

Bipolar Disorder

While entertaining myself on the interwebz today I learned a horrible thing. There are crazy assholes out there who are giving people with a Bipolar diagnosis a bad reputation. I swear, it would seem that most people, because of their experience with these assholes, think that anyone who is Bipolar is a garunteed wrecking ball!

This irritates me. It irritates me a lot! I am Bipolar. I am not an uncontrollable beast resembling The Hulk. Yes, I have issues. Yes, those issues are excessive and extreme at times. No, I am not some untrustworthy PITA who's determined to destroy relationships and control the world around me at all costs! I'm not going to flip out on you if you don't walk on eggshells around me!

Are there times I'm going to be irritated by things people say and do? Yes, but everyone has those moments. Are there going to be days my reactions seem extreme? Yes, however I'm not going to just completely freak out on you!

Why? Because, like many (I dare say most) Bipolar people, I care about my health and relationships. I get proper treatment for my diagnosis. I learn about it, learn ways to manage it. I understand it, and I know it isn't an excuse for poor behavior. I actually expect there to be consequences when I act poorly!

Those of us with Bipolar disorder are NOT automatically unstable, pissed off, furiously enraged assholes! We are NOT garunteed to just freak out on you if you tell us something we don't like. We are NOT garunteed to freak out on you if you do something we don't like.

Yes, we have a mental diagnosis. Yes, it affects how our brains work. Yes, if our particular brand of Bipolar includes manics we can get unreasonably angry, sometimes explosively so (though these explosions are generally short lived).

However, we are NOT defined by our diagnosis!







Ok. Venting and ranting over. Below is some information taken from various medical websites about Bipolar Disorder.

One of my favorite sites is this one. It's very informative.

There is also some good information here. This is the Abilify website. This is the medication I am personally taking for Bipolar I - Mixed.




Types of Bipolar Disorder:

• Bipolar I - Defined by manic or mixed episodes lasting at least 7 days, or mania so severe it requires hospitalization. Usually, the person also has depressive episodes lasting about two weeks. These episodes, manic and depressive, must be a drastic change from the person's typical normal behavior.
- Mixed episodes are depressive episodes that display manic symptoms.

• Bipolar II - Defined by periods of depressive episodes alternating with hypomanic episodes. The difference is there is never a full-blown manic episode, and there are no mixed episodes.

• Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified) - A person shows signs of Bipolar disorder, but the symptoms either do not last long enough to qualify as Bipolar I or II. The other option is that there just are not enough of the symptoms present at the same time to be diagnosed with I or II. However, the behaviors are clearly not within the person's "normal" behavior range.

• Cyclothymia - This is a mild form of Bipolar disorder. People with this have episodes of hypomania that alternate with mild depression for at least two years, however symtoms are not severe enough for other types of Bipolar disorder.

My own diagosis is Bipolar I. My episodes are either entirely manic, or are mixed. I have not needed hospital care as of yet, however I have had explosive manic episodes. They are rare occurance, as I have learned to recognize an episode and can take action to try and control myself before I blow up. This does not mean I will not "freak out", but it does mean there is less of a chance of a full "blow up" (when things become TOO excessive). Mostly my manics are "normal" manics.

As for my depressive episodes, they are not soley depression. Being mixed, my depressions also exhibit manic symptoms. I will be depressed, but will still have excessive energy. I could be highly irritable. In a nut-shell, I'm depressively "on edge".



Causes:

• There is no known cause for Bipolar disorder, just as there is no known cause for the occurance of episodes. The disorder affects both men and women, and usually develops in a person's late teens to early twenties. Sometimes signs can appear early in childhood, however.

• Bipolar disorder does appear to run in families. Genetics may play a role.

• Drugs and alcohol can trigger episodes, however their use may also be a symptom of an episode.

• It is important to know that this is a brain disorder that results in unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity-levels, and the ability to carry ut day-to-day tasks.



Symptoms:

Manic Episodes:

• Mood Changes
- feeling "high", overly happy and outgoing
- extremely irritable, aggitated, feeling "jumpy" or "wired"

• Behavioral Changes
- talking very fast, racing thoughts, topic jumping
- easily distracted
- increase in goal-directed projects, over-involvement in projects
- restlessness, little to no sleep
- inflated self-esteem, delusions of grandure, false belief in special abilities
- acting impulsively
- risky behaviors - examples: spending sprees, impulsive sex, substance abuse
- little to no temper control

Depressive Episodes:

• Mood Changes
- feeling worried or empty
- loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, including sex
- persistent sadness

• Behavioral Changes
- feeling tired and "slowed down"
- trouble concentrating, remembering things, and making decisions
- thoughts of suicide
- sleep disturbances
- eating disturbances



Treatment:

• Mood stabilizers - generally the first line of treatment.

• Atypical antipsychotic medications - if a person experiences psychotic symptoms (hallucinations) during an episode, these may be needed.

• Antidepressants - if needed, it's given along with the mood stabilizer as taking only an antidepressant can cause an increase in manic episodes.

• Psychotherapy
- Cognitive behavioral therapy - learn how to control and change negative behaviors
- Family-focused therapy - enhance family coping strategies
- Interpersonal and social rhythm therapy - learn how to improve relationships, routines
- Psychoeducation - teach about the diagnosis and how to recognize episodes and control



While Bipolar disorder is highly disrutive of a person's life, it can be very well managed with a proper treatment plan. Once treatment has begun, it is important to maintain it as this is a lifelong illness and cannot be fully controlled without help.

It is important for someone with Bipolar disorder to keep a set routine. Routines, knowing what to expect each day, can help prevent manic episodes.

It is also important they get enough sleep. Lack of sleep can lead to manic episodes.

It is important that the people around a Bipolar person do not feed into their symptoms. Enabling and excusing behaviors will not help somenoe with Bipolar disorder learn to control themselves.

Guilt - Crying

I'm a bit overdue for a post. I appologize to those who read this!

I believe last I posted was about an issue with people who bring extra "guests" when they were not invited. I also included what I expected of my husband when dealin with this issue. You will be happy to know that he did, in fact, follow through and take care of that issue!

However, it did open a different can of worms... The Guilt Trip!

This particular guilt trip consisted of "The Waterfall". Yes, you guessed it! It was full of crying!!!



My husband, on his way home from work, called his mother soley with the intent of dealing with the uninvited guests issue. It would seem it quickly spiralled into a cry-fest. There was very little that allowed DH to even say anything. From what I saw from our front window once he pulled into the driveway (and sat in the car to finish the convo), he'd open his mouth to start to speak and quickly have to stop as he wasn't allowed to say much before another load of blubbering from the other end.

Yes, in an ideal world he would have just told his mom "It seems you're too emotional to have an adult conversation at the moment. Please call me when you have calmed down." and then hung up... but my husband is not to this point yet.

Anyway, lots of tears. When it comes to DH, this is MIL's MO - My son isn't doing things my way. My son isn't letting me do what I want. My son has told me "no". To make my son obey me, I am going to cry. His mom crying pulls directly at his heartstrings. It is his biggest weakness. It has always worked in the past! Let the waterworks run freely!!!

The crying took its toll. Sadly for MIL, however, it did not have the desired outcome! DH did his best to ignore the crying while on the phone with her. He stuck to the point. Even with all the arguments MIL threw at him:

Why does it matter?! He's just a 2yo little boy! - It doesn't matter how old he is. WE did not invite him, therefore he should not have come.

But he's FAMILY! - It doesn't matter what he is, family or otherwise. Tigre and I did not invite him. He should not have come. If we (me and Tigre) do not invite someone, regardless of relation or age, then it is NOT ok for you to bring them!

But I was doing your cousin a favor! She was having problems with her boyfriend so I offered to take her son with to your DS's birthday! - It doesn't matter what your intent was. Again, WE as the hosts did not invite him! If we don't invite the person to our home, then you cannot bring the person to our home!

But it's what your family has ALWAYS done! This is how we are! Why can't you leave things the way they always have been?! - MY family is my wife and kids, and WE have NOT always done that! MY family expects to be respected and is NOT ok with people bringing uninvited people to our home! Do NOT do it! (Go DH!)


So MIL gets all huffy, and realizing her arguments and tears are getting her nowhere throws one last thing at DH:

Fine! I guess I'll just have to call before I come to your DD's birthday to make sure I'm even still welcome!

Dramatic much?!

Gotta love the guilt trips! They make for some entertaining shit! Sadly, you could visibly see the toll it took on DH. Her crying really gets to him! Sadly, he doesn't yet see it for what it is - a manipulation tactic. I have hope for him, though. Someday he'll realize it, and then the tears will no longer hurt him. Until then, at least he didn't cave!



The party went pretty much drama free! My only real issue was that DH has this idea that if you force your child to interact with someone, your child will grow used to that person and be "ok" with them. So, he kept forcing DS to be held by FIL.

(Did I mention FIL was the only IL who came to DD's party?! Yeah...)

I kept taking DS away from FIL. I wasn't going to let my child scream just because FIL wants DS to like him. Not going to happen! My kids' comfort comes before the wants of everyone else.

DH and I did talk about this. I actually asked him what's more important - that his children be happy? Or that extended family are happy? He realizes now that it was wrong for him to do that to DS. It's more important that our children have GOOD relationships with extended family, where our childrne CHOOSE to be around them... not that they are FORCED into relationships with them.

Again it comes back to guilt. His parents are always on him about how DD and DS aren't all comfy cozy with them, and are stand-offish around them, and scream if they try to hold them...


Aside from that, though, the party was a huge success!!!!






... ... ...





Oh, and MIL DID eventually show up... at like, 7:45pm, after everyone had left. We kicked her out around an hour later. The only reason she was even allowed to show up anyway was because my own cousin and her family was still here, so DD was still awake playing with my cousin's kids!

Way to skip the entire event, MIL. We knew she was coing late due to a prior engagement, but she had led us to believe she'd be here around 6... We fed her reheated pizza, and she didn't get any cake... We sure as hell weren't breaking everything back out for someone who shows up almost 2 hours after they say they'll be here!




We haven't seen the ILs since! Though, I'm sure I'll have some tales for all of you soon!

OBIL is back in the area! I believe he is living with MIL now... It's only a matter of time before we get the "Your brother is back! He's BEEN back! How dare you not come see him! How dare you not bring your children to see him! He's never even MET DS yet! You're horrible people trying to keep everyone but Tigre's family away!"

Oh yes... fun times in the future! But OBIL is a completely different story for a different day!

The Debil, and How to Handle It

The Debil...

In Slavic languages, it means stupid and moronic. It's also a slang term to call someone an asshole.

In general, however, it's used much in the same way as Mamma used it in the Adam Sandler movie The Water Boy - "Fooseball is the debil!" ... It's synonymous with "The Devil", meaning something bad.


So what is it, perhaps, that I am referring to as "The Debil"? The answer is something I'm sure most of you use.

FACEBOOK!!!


Yes, Facebook (or FB, for short). The wonderful, lovely, social network chock full of drama and moronic insanity is most certainly the debil!


Oh, don't get me wrong. It can be great when the only people on your friends list are people you actually know, and who have general common sense, and follow boundaries. The problems arise when there are people who have no common sense, or have a sense of entitlement, or cannot follow simple requests.


For example, you (at age 21) go out with friends to a bar. You post to your wall via cell phone "OMG! I'm so WASTED! Having a blast with some great friends!"

The result? Your mom, or your neighbor, or an Uncle, or some other "concerned" person who is twice your age comments about your irresponsibility... Like my cousin's father. She's a bit of a twit in her own right. Why on Earth would you post photo after photo of yourself drunk off your ass playing beer pong in your dorm room?! But that's beside the point. She posted. Her dad? Well, he can just never help himself commenting about how "that doesn't look like studying". I see his point, but seriously? Reprimanding someone via FB?


Another example, one of my own:

My ILs have no common sense when it comes to internet safety. They also have no sense of boundaries. When you clue them in on said boundaries, they throw hissy fits and try to fight it in as many little ways as possible.

Problems I have with the ILs, FB, and photos of my children:

1 - Their security settings suck. When mentioned, they refuse to change them. My kids are not for the world to see, so the ILs don't get any pics of my kids on their pages.

2 - The few ILs who do have privacy settings in place are still idiots. Why? Because they still "friend" everyone under the sun because they want Farmville friends, or "OMG! That person was awesome at the bar last night!". So, even with privacy settings, the world can still see everything. Again, reason for them to not get pics of my kids.

3 - They have no problem posting photos of my kids to other peoples' walls! I don't know these people, and I don't give a shit if they're faaaammmmiillllllyyyy. I don't know them, they don't get a picture. I also don't know their friends, so these people have no business seeing my kids. If my DH wants his Tia to see a pic of the kids, he can email one to her, with the understanding that she is NOT to post the pic to FB. If he doesn't send the pic, then she doesn't get one... My kids are not for extended family to share with everyone.

4 - My ILs play favorites. DD is from a previous relationship, and thus not biologically my DH's, though she calls him "daddy". DS, on the other hand, is DH's. My ILs go ape-shit over this. DS is also the only male grandchild with the "family name". So, of course, pictures of DS used to dominate everyone's photo albums... along with pics od YDNi, who is biologically related to the ILs... They each had their own albums of nothing but them! DD? Well, she got nothing.


The favoritism was actually the first straw. I found out the other crap later.


I did deal with the problems. The ILs were told to remove ALL pictures of my children. We were willing to let FIL keep his pics under the conditions that the favoritism ended and he let us help him set up appropriate privacy for the pics of our kids. Instead, he threw a tantrum that could rival a 3yo! So, he had to remove them all as well.

The ILs, well, they didn't remove the pics. So, I reported them all to FB! Oh yes. They were ALL removed! Pissed everyone off (especially FIL), but they can't do anything about it! MY kids, MY rules! Even FB knows this!

The ILs, for many reasons, were all shoved into a group that was blocked from seeing everything on my page. This allows me to prevent their ability to see my shit, while also monitoring them for picture postages of my children. And yes, I have had to repeat reports to FB over photos.



I promised, in the title, I'd offer ways to handle "The Debil". Here are some basics that will generally cut back on the drama:

1 - Never FB with family.

2 - Never FB with the ILs!

3 - Don't post pics of your kids. If you do, block access to them so only trust-worthy people can see them.

4 - If you do FB with family or ILs, never post anything you wouldn't tell them otherwise.

5 - If you do FB with family or ILs, either limit their access to photos or never post pictures you wouldn't want them to have.

6 - Should anyone (family, IL, or friend) start drama on FB... their page or yours... DO NOT ENGAGE! Walk away. Consider deleting them, and maybe blocking them. Or perhaps make a group like I did to throw them into that prevents them from seeing anything besides your basic info.

7 - Should you decide to engage the drama... consider sarcasm! Remember, tone is lost in type so you will have to be blatantly sarcastic!

8 - Should you decide to engage the drama... do not enter into an argument. If you are being insulted directly, or someone is sharing your business with the world, simply state "I do not appreciate this. Please remove it". If not removed, refer to number 6 in this list.


Examples:

#7 - I once had a status that had a few expletives in it. It was a bad day. My father responded to it saying something about hoping I don't use that kind of language around my children. I took the sarcastic route and mentioned my great-grandmother, who's mouth could have made a sailor blush - "Of course I do! My goal is to have children who could make even Babcia blush! That'd be so awesome!!!" ... Dad said "ok then, carry on" and left it alone.

#8 - Someone posts the gender, name, weight, length, and a picture of your newborn before you ever had a chance to... Like, minutes after you gave birth someone else shared YOUR news - "This is not your news to share. I would appreciate it if you removed this info and picture until I have had a chance to share the arrival of MY child with everyone." ... Although, in this case, I'd not only post that but I'd report the photo before they had a chance to remove it. But I'm a bitch like that!


As for numbers 1 and 2, of course there are exceptions. Plenty of family and ILs are respectful, have common sense, and are not boundary stompers! So long as they respect your wishes, then go ahead and FB with them!

However, if they are crazy and you FB with them anyway... well... you brought it on yourself!

Example of Doormattery

This is one of my own. It's a current doormat issue. It could be worse, however in an attempt to appease my husband we are enabling my MIL and potentially setting ourselves up for a lot of drama.

Our children both have birthdays this month. On the 16th we are having a get-together for our son, who is turning 1. It was supposed to be just our parents, siblings, and a few friends we see on a regular basis. Nothing big, right? Just a relatively small backyard bbq with grandparents and some friends.

Some history of my MIL's behavior:

If her brothers (or anyone else) are coming to visit, they call her and say "we're coming on this date, make it happen" or "we're half an hour away, see you soon". My MIL's response? Well, she is quite easily one of the biggest doormats I know. She will cancel her plans and accomodate these people instead. If they are other peoples' plans, she either invites her brothers along and then tells the person (like my wedding), or she calls the person saying "I can't make it if they can't come" (like a dinner DH and I planned a few months ago for just our parents). If you tell her the uninvited guests cannot come, she cancels on you.

The wedding - Her best friend invited her children and their SOs, then told MIL these extra people were coming too. MIL, in turn, told my parents (who were paying for it)... My parents were pissed, and called me. I was pissed, and flat out told my then fiance he either told his mother to revoke those invites or he had to cut some of his friends from his half of the guest list to make room... He cut the friends. Why? Because his mom's BFF wouldn't come if her kids couldn't. Seriously? WTF?! My DH has since been reformed.

The dinner - We had a nice dinner planned for just our parents one saturday. We made these plans a good month or so in advance. MIL made plans to attend. One of MIL's brothers call her on his way down from NJ friday of that weekend. They're half an hour away. MIL calls us... If my UIL, his wife, and his DSS cannot come then MIL will not be attending. We told her no. She cancelled on us, and then my SIL calls us complaining because "they're family" and it wasn't right we wouldn't change the plans to accomodate.

Here is our current situation:

We made the plans for our childrens' birthdays a few weeks ago, giving everyone a month's notice before DS's birthday as it's the first event. MIL said she's coming. Her 2 brothers in NJ recently called her saying they're comig that weekend. The conversation, from what my DH told me, went something like this...


UIL - "We're coming on the 15th for that weekend!"

MIL - "Last we spoke, you said you guys were coming for Easter weekend. That's not Easter."

UIL - "Oh, well plan on the 15th-17th instead!"

MIL - "Oh, ummm, well ok."


You see what's wrong here, right? MIL should have told her brothers "that doesn't work for me", but instead is letting them walk all over her.

And, we got the phone call asking us to add UIL-C, his wife, and UIL-T to the guest list or she won't be coming to DS's birthday. And so the guilt was laid upon my DH, because of course he wants his mother there for his son's first birthday!

The problems? If the NJ uncles are allowed to come, then the 3rd brother who lives up the road from MIL is going to want to come. If that uncle gets to come, then the cousins living with him will want to come... along with the 2 kids who live there, neither of which are allowed near my own children because of their behaviors and the ILs general lack of interest in correcting it.

For a good week DH and I discussed the drama fallout concerning both decisions. Personally, I'd rather deal with the drama that comes with telling MIL no. Sadly, this is not the case.

DH is telling MIL they can come... however I did put some specific conditions on him telling her this:


1 - He MUST tell her that NO ONE ELSE is allowed, and she is NOT to call and ask, or bring anyone else with her.

2 - He MUST tell her that, should the uncles decide to come on a weekend she had plans with us ever again, she is NOT to call and ask if they can come. We will NOT be doing this again. The answer is NO. If she wants to cancel, fine. If she wants to come, fine. But the uncles are NOT being added to our plans ever again.

3 - If MIL is dumb enough to call anyway, DH is NOT to ask me to make more exceptions. He is to just tell her "no" WITHOUT blaming me. It is either entirely his decision they cannot come, or our joint decision... but I and the kids are NOT to be blamed.


So, yeah. I'm a bit of a doormat. I caved. I shouldn't have. And now, I'm stuck with MORE people than planned on in my home for my son's birthday...

Should be interesting. I'm not a fan of DH's family. They have no concept of boundaries, and are very entitled and enmeshed. Not to mention, I'm always left out of the loop (but that's a different story).